Loss of Identity

In America we often identify ourselves by what we do.  I was a musician, a student, and an athlete.  I felt like I knew my place in society, and that I was on the path to achieve what I set out to do.  In Brazil I’m without all three of these parts of my identity. 

I feel so lost without my instruments by my side.  I have to admit that when I entered high school I sort of fell off with my cello and my saxophone.  But now there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t yearn for just five minutes with my cello.  By getting involved with musical  groups has proved to be a challenge here.  Mainly it’s because of the instruments I play.  If I had chosen guitar, then I would have fit right in here!  My host grandfather fixed up a keyboard for Annabella and I to play.  While this is a good opportunity work out my musical frustrations, it doesn’t provide the social interactions of an orchestra or band. 

Some days in school I feel very out of place as well.  I wasn’t given a textbook, so I don’t have any means to study for tests, or do the work.  All of the problems for the different subjects are included in the textbook with space to write.  So I usually read of the student next to me, and try to participate the best I can.  But I still feel out of place.  I’ve never truly felt frustrated in school, it was always a place that I felt like I belonged.  As my language level increases things are getting better in school.  I got my first 100% on a test-granted it was an English test, but considering the questions were in Portuguese, and one was to translate a paragraph, I was fairly proud of myself.

The lack of activities in school here in Brasil is incredibly frustrating for me.  I miss having sports after school-or before during the dreaded swim season!  Haha.  There is an activity center that has many sports, but it is too far for me to walk alone, and I do not have a ride or permission to use the bus alone.  For now I just play soccer in a cement quad near my house. 

I am trying to be patient, knowing that good things come in time. But as someone who was so used to being busy, this is really difficult for me.  I had a meeting with the rotary personal to discuss this, and we are working on finding activities for me. 

Until then I am trying to work out who I am as a person.  Are my interests all that define me?  I think not.  I am using this time to discover who I am within my soul, and I am thankful to have been given this opportunity to do so.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!